Hawaii is known for many things. From the beaches to the hikes. But not a lot of people know about the issue of homelessness on the island chain. Hawaii has the worst statistics of homelessness out of all the fifty states. 6,335 people are homeless in Hawaii. The state keeps getting more and more homeless because a lot of people are saving up all of their money and then flies over to Hawaii. so when they get here they don't have enough money to support them or their families. So they become homeless. This effects Hawaii in many ways, but the main one is that a lot of the homeless are disrupting the "paradise" perspective of Hawaii. So many tourists are surprised that there are just homeless people everywhere. Which makes them feel like Hawaii isn't that great. Hawaii has a lot of homeless visitors and the state is doing everything they can to find a solution.
Housing First is a program program that Senator Brian Schatz has proposed. The program literally houses homeless first then the homeless can get services. "Hawaii has one of the worst rates of homelessness in the nation, but U.S. Senator Brian Schatz believes the answer is staring policymakers in the face... Put homeless people into housing" (paragraph 1). Brian Schatz believes this way because he found out that it cost three times cheaper to out the homeless into housing first. They will be able to put much more people into homes and in a lot cheaper way. It's way better to use this system because it actually gives the homeless a home. Then when they get services then they will be able to get food and jobs faster, and will be able to go to a nice comfortable home. It's better than sleeping outside. "The Legislature set aside $1.5 million... to house 75 people, the City's 2 million program is seeking to house 115 households..." (paragraph 4). This obviously is going to give 190 individuals or families homes. Which is better than nothing. This is a good plan because of how many people are homeless and at least starting to give more and more people homes is great. This also will help homeless children.families to have a proper home. It will give the children a proper childhood. So they won't have to grow up on the streets. It will also encourage them to be able to get full opportunities to discover what they can and what they can't do. In conclusion, Housing First is a good way to solve Hawaii's homelessness.
Homeless organizations are also helping with Hawaii's homelessness, especially IHS (Institute for Human Services). They help with finding shelter, food, and other services to help with homelessness in Hawaii. "We do this by offering emergency food and shelter, housing placements programs, and other supportive services and tailoring programs to special needs" (paragraph 1). This is great, because it gives the homeless essentials to help them. They need these essentials so they will be able to get on their feet and try to manage their money and turn their lives back around. Though this is the more expensive route, it's still a great way to help them. Like stated before, it's a better than nothing. We need to really help the homeless because if we don't all we'll see is people in debt or people without houses. "Case managers who serve as 'life coaches' assist clients accessing mainstream programs" (paragraph 7). These case managers or "life coaches" will be able to get the homeless back on their feet. They also will help with helping their clients managing their money properly. This also, again, will be able to give the homeless the services that they really need. The "life coaches" will be able to provide their clients to programs such as Food Stamps and other programs. In the end, The Institute for Human Services are doing everything they can to end homelessness.
The overall government of Hawaii is doing everything they can to stop homelessness. The government has been setting aside money to help the homeless, every time they can. Or they have been making plans to build housing or to stop homelessness. "In Kakaako, which is flush with development, 4,500 new housing units are being built" (paragraph 7). This is great for putting the homeless in housing. So they are able to be stable when they get into society again. It's also great for the 4,700 people in Oahu who are homeless. This means 200 people would be left to find homes for in Oahu. Which is great because it would be a step closer to fixing the homeless program nation wide. "This is something different evidence shifting the focus to prioritizing putting homeless into housing" (paragraph 10). This goes along with Senator Brian Schatz's plan to put the homeless into homes. Which is great because it cost three times less to put these homeless people into houses. This also helps with getting homeless into permanent housing. Which is great because they need housing so they don't have to sleep on the streets anymore. In the end, the government is doing everything they can to take care of the homeless problem in Hawaii.
The problem of homelessness is increasing fast in Hawaii. So it's great that Hawaii is doing everything they can to find a solution. The government, organizations and the senator is doing everything in their power to solve the problem. They are fixing up more homes and are providing services to the homeless. They are also trying to provide the homeless a head start when they reunite with society. They are hopeful that they will be able to fix homelessness. If they aren't homelessness might be a problem to everyone one day.
The essay that you wrote is great at covering what Hawaii is doing to help curb the homeless problem. There's a sufficient amount of evidence paired with good reasoning and really does succeed in terms of how thoroughly covered it is. However, there are some things that I'd like to address in your essay that is making it somewhat difficult to understand properly.
ReplyDeleteUpon reading the first couple sentences in your introduction, you dive into the homeless issue. This is great, but the way it is introduced is somewhat awkward. This same concept is repeated quite a few times in your essay. It just seems abrupt; disconnected from the previous idea. For example, in your first body paragraph, the first quote is placed after talking about how the Housing First works. The quote itself does relate to the program as Schatz's plan is putting homeless people into housing, it just seems like a smoother transition would work right before the quote. Again; the reasoning and quotes itself is good. It's just that the "filler" words or the transitioning between them could also be improved.
The other major point that I would also like to mention is the diction in your essay. The sentences seemed broken into multiple parts. Which they shouldn't be. Like this. Take a look at the following sentences from your article:
"This is obviously going to give 190 individuals or families homes. Which is better than nothing."
"The state keeps getting more and more homeless because a lot of people are saving up all of their money and then flies over to Hawaii. so when they get here they don't have enough money to support them or their families. So they become homeless."
I understand that the variety of sentence lengths should definitely be included; it's important for an essay to not feel like a bunch of words in a really long sentence or a few words in tiny sentences that don't make sense. The problem in your essay lies a little bit on those tiny sentences. Instead of the first of the sentences listed above, some better variations of your sentence could be:
"This is obviously going to give 190 individuals or families homes; which is better than having no homes at all.
"This is obviously going to give 190 individuals or families homes. It's not much compared to the large amount of homeless out there, but it's definitely something."
It makes more sense this way. Your voice is "better heard". Other than that, I have nothing else to say about your essay.
In general / TL;DR:
-Sentence fluency could be improved in the introduction
-Small grammar errors here and there, but doesn't distract from reading
-Transitioning from the topic sentence to the quote could be a smoother (and as well as from reasoning to quote)
-Good reasoning and quotes
-Some variety in diction could be improved
-Coby
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYour purpose is evident. I can understand and appreciate your topic and your essay is an effective and appropriate form. Your thesis is clear and your topic is covered. Your essay was fluency and your essay sounds like you are reading it to me.
ReplyDeleteTHE BIGGEST ISSUE IS YOUR EVIDENCE, YOU NEED STRONGER FACTS (STATISTICS) THAT PROVE YOUR IDEAS, NOT JUST QUOTES OF OTHER PEOPLE STATING WHAT YOU HAVE ALREADY SAID. OR NOT QUOTES OF THINGS YOU COULD HAVE SAID. YOUR FIRST BODY PARAGRAPH NEEDS WAY BETTER EVIDENCE, THE FIRST QUOTE IS IRRELEVANT. MS(3+)
ReplyDelete